i found a way away |
everything i do is fake
everything i feel i actually want to feel but i do not
everything i wear is ridiculous and ugly
everything i want is sinful\prohibited
no matter what i think
it's bad anyways
i don't even have to try
i can just lie quietly in my bed with my hands bound with barbed wire and listen to what the others say out there on the right side of life
i'd rather be numb and foolish
than live and realise that i was, am and always will be wrong
that everyone feels uncomfortable with me,
that they condemn me on their safeside
'she acts like a slut and brags a lot'
random ranting when there is nothing to talk about, no one to talk to
no one does anything for me, i always do it myself via someone
all i know is a flaw
a tragic blunder - because i shouldn't have known it
there was never ever meant to be anything except this blurry mess inside my head
except this blinding curtain which prevents me from seeing the world clearly
that's why i always bump into sharp corners of people and relationships
that's why i am never the only one
i am a waste, a social beggar
somebody ripped my eyes out causing so much pain that i felt guilty and embarrased
sinking in the ocean of boiling blood i survived because i learnt to love this pain
all i do now is trying to persuade everyone that i am alright
- everyone who cares much enough to ask me about it
with my hands shaking i'm pouring another drink for myself and one more for anyone who would like to drink with me but
no one ever drinks from that second glass
they gave me a rough log and a precious piece of advice - 'be yourself babe' and voila - i am in the sea of despair, my body covered with festering splinters and i can hardly hold my head above the violent waters, clutching the log as it is my only friend and hope i bet i have unlearned to walk and i don't know why everyone else lives so happily ever after
i don't have enough fantasy to be considered an escapist
i don't have enough charisma and arrogance and self-confidence to make anyone respect and admire me with secret garden of hatred in their miserable hearts
i'm not even crazy enogh to be oficially considered mentally handicapped
so i am nothing, a lame, blinded, dumbed down and paranoid creature with red eyes and head full of ludicrous ideas and dreams, always mistreated and misunderstood
with no shelter
no shoulder
no trust
no way
no 'i'.
